Think of Me
by Gilraen Ar-Feiniel
Summary: Gwen finds something addressed to Jack, who is struggling to cope with Ianto's loss. Is it possible that this little thing can help?


It's the middle of the night, so this probably isn't the most coherent stuff I've ever proofread or written. Well, proofread mainly, this was written as a procrastination exercise some time ago and I've just rediscovered it. All I really seem to write is angst oneshots at the moment, I can only promise to stop living my life as Marvin the Paranoid Android at some point soon! Usual disclaimers apply: Ianto Jones might sleep under my bed at night but sadly I don't own him, neither do I own the lovely Jack Harkness. Or Gwen. I suppose.

* * *

"Jack?" Gwen's voice was an unwelcome intrusion on his thoughts. Her soft Welsh accent suddenly sounded as harsh as a Dalek's. He looked up at her, hoping to scare her away with one of his traditional glares. God, she looked rough. Her eyes were red rimmed and she looked like she hadn't slept in a couple of days. If she looked like that, he wondered how he must look. He knew he hadn't showered in a while, hadn't moved off the couch in Gwen's front room in even longer. He'd just curled up on the edge of it and hadn't moved. The woman above him didn't flinch. Obviously he wasn't glaring hard enough. "Jack," she tried again. "We found something… In his stuff…" she trailed off and swallowed before holding out a DVD case. There was a Post-It slipped neatly inside the vinyl covering of the dust jacket. There was one word, typically neatly written. 'Jack.' Jack curled up tighter and pulled his knees into his chest.

"I'm not in the mood to watch a movie Gwen," his voice sounded horrible. It was all cracked and broken. Probably the longest sentence he'd said in a few days as well. He wasn't quite sure of how time had passed around him; it had been unspoken but Gwen and Rhys had mainly left him alone, except to put a cup of coffee down next to him. The coffee was hot, strong and black, just the way he liked it. It was always cold, strong and black when they took it away untouched.

"He addressed it to you," Gwen replied, unsurprised by his response. She was trying to cope, she really was, but whatever pain she felt she knew Jack would be feeling more. He hadn't spoken about what had happened and she knew it would be unwise to press him. The man was going to run again, she could feel it. Leaving him alone might give her a little bit more time with her past life, the one she had adored so much. Jack didn't answer her, instead staring blankly in the general direction of the television. Well, she decided, he was looking in the right direction. She walked over and put the DVD in the machine. Jack was watching it whether he wanted to or not, and she suspected that the depression that had its grip on him would prevent him from getting up to turn it off. She looked back over at her friend; he was still just staring blankly ahead, still straight at the TV. Gwen picked up the remote and walked back over to Jack. Whatever was on the DVD, it wasn't meant for her and she understood that. It was another secret for Jack to have and to keep. She ran a hand through Jack's unkempt hair, determining that when she got back Jack Harkness was having a shower whether she had to send Rhys in to help and lock them both in until it was done or not. "I'm going out with Rhys sweetie," she said softly. "We need to get some shopping done or we'll run out of coffee. Can't have that, can we?" Her ghost of a smile withered at Jack's complete lack of reaction. "Will you be okay on your own?" That got a reaction. Just. He gave the tiniest little nod. Gwen stroked his hair again. "We won't be long." She reached down and pressed the play button on the remote before crossing the room and grabbing her coat. The last thing she saw before she slipped out to join Rhys was what looked like the inside wall of Cardiff Castle.

Jack kept staring at the TV blankly. Something was moving on it, but he didn't register it very well. Somewhere greenish with a big wall maybe? Who cared? It wasn't important right now. The voice that was narrating the picture though, that made him sit up straight and focus.

"Hi Jack," calm and melodic, Ianto's voice filled the room. "Um, it's me. Ianto." The man sounded unsure of himself, like he was embarrassed to talk to whatever it was he was talking to. The picture jolted for a few seconds and Cardiff Castle became a huge blur, almost as if it was caught in an earthquake. Finally, the picture settled again and Ianto's face had appeared. He was fiddling and not looking at the camera but before long he sat up straight with his back against the castle wall. "Sorry," he said with a self-conscious shuffle. "I thought you might want to look at me and all that so I put it on the tripod." Ianto gestured vaguely at the screen; he must have been talking about a camera. He was right about one thing though; Jack did want to see him. Ianto Jones was, for once, not wearing his suit. Instead, he was wearing the same shirt and jacket that he'd worn on the day they'd first met. Jack wasn't sure he overly liked Ianto's taste in that, but it was cancelled out a little bit by the bead necklace that oh-so-well drew the eye in to look at the neck, then slowly up to the face. He was smiling a little, that cute little half smile he had, where his eyes weren't quite sure if they should light up or stay quiet. Jack loved that smile.

"So," Ianto blew his cheeks out a little, like he always did when he was thinking. "I hadn't really thought up a big plan for this. I'd kind of hoped I'd bring the camera here and then the words would come, but you know me Jack. I'm not a talker. I'm talking to an inanimate object and it does just feel a bit weird. I'm not going to stop though. Not for a little while." Good, Jack thought, feeling the wetness creeping back into his eyes. Don't stop, please don't stop. "I should tell you why I'm doing this first, I guess." For the first time, Ianto's dark eyes reflected pain and sadness. "If you're watching this, then I'm dead." The words hit Jack in the heart harder than seeing the body again. Tears trickled down his cheeks and he curled up tighter. "Sorry to say it so harshly," Ianto's voice carried on, the slightly guilty tone in his voice seemingly reacting to Jack's own reactions. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to spend so much more time with you. I guess this is my way of trying." He waved his hand vaguely at the camera and the screen again. "You know our job Jack, we don't know when it's going to happen. And I'm not sure we'll get a chance to say goodbye. So this is me here, saying the words I never want to say. I'm going to hide it when I get home, well enough that you can't find it when you go raiding my stuff to find sweets or see if I really do have any dirty magazines or videos. I don't want you to find it too soon. You won't catch me recording this either. You've been summoned to London for a couple of days, we said goodbye hours ago so you should be there by now. So, it's just you and me now, just the way we like it.

Tosh'll probably kill me when it does happen you know, uh again, anyway. This is her idea, I've just stolen it wholesale but it won't be played on the logout. I'm just here, on this screen now for your viewing pleasure whenever you want it.

I'm rambling Jack, I know I am. I'm trying to sort this out in my head so I can say it properly so I'm just sat here telling you what you already know. Maybe I should take Owen's title of Captain Obvious… Or Oblivious if you'd like… That got away from me a bit…

It's been fun, you know? Even just the little things, like making you all coffee and sitting up in the Tourist Office while you were all out saving the Universe. Even back then, I loved it. I enjoyed it more when you came back to us though, I know I've said it before but the feeling when you appeared again… It was electric. We were a proper team again then, just the five of us against the odds, and the two of us against more than that. When we became three… I… you… you were the one who got me through it. You've gotten me through everything. When I needed you you were there, like after Lisa when I thought… Well I guess that's done now. What's important is that you do always come back. Every time you die, I get so scared that you won't come back to me and I'll be alone. Looks like it's me who's done it properly though this time.

I've got a request though, Jack," Ianto ran his hands through his hair and looked at the screen. His blue eyes looked haunted for a moment. "I know Owen said that all that's waiting for us is darkness, and I'm not a particularly big believer in an afterlife anyway, but I do have one belief that won't be blown away. No matter what. If you think of me, then maybe in the darkness I'll feel it. I'll feel you there and it'll be something that I can feel without being afraid. Both Suzie and Owen made it clear there was something to be scared of in there, and that scares me too. But if every now and again a random thought comes my way, then I'll be all right." Jack's lover stared out of the television, seemingly straight into Jack's own eyes and smiled a little. "I do love you Jack Harkness," he said softly and the smile faded a little. "You'll find other loves and other people'll fill your bed, but I was one of them, and I don't care about the others. You were… are my world and that's all that matters to me. " Ianto broke off suddenly and looked off-camera. "…Jack Harkness I'm going to kill you. As soon as I find out whatever it is you've forgotten that you need to come and harass me about and you're just standing over there grinning like an idiot waving. On the only day I'm probably going to have to do this, you manage to forget your what, socks? I'm going to go over there and slap you so hard. Then kiss you till you forget your own name." Rant over, Ianto turned back to the camera and smiled. "Goodbye Jack, I love you." The Welshman reached towards the screen and the picture froze, with Ianto in some crazy lean that made it look like he was about to leap from the screen to turn Jack himself off. Jack sniffed and reached out towards the stretching hand.

"No," he whimpered. "Don't go." He hadn't really heard many of the words that Ianto had actually said, he'd been too busy staring into those gorgeous eyes that had been so real and the voice that had poured out through Rhys's surround sound technical crap that had managed to make it sound like Ianto was on the couch next to him. The screen version of his lover was almost more real than the flesh and bone man that they had buried. The tears came again and he curled around a cushion weeping. The video ending had been like losing Ianto all over again and he rocked backwards and forwards crying until he felt Gwen's arms wrap tightly around him. He didn't have the strength to cuddle her back and instead just slumped against her, feeling like he was drowning in a hole of darkness.

A couple of hours and a good Jack scrubbing later, Gwen and Jack sat side by side on the couch. Gwen was really worried about the man; he hadn't even had the strength of will to argue when she'd ordered him into the shower. Jack hated to have a single thread out of place, however, when he was ordered to do something, something in the bloody idiot made him as stubborn as a mule. Instead, he'd just nodded meekly and traipsed into the shower without a word.

"What was on the DVD?" Despite her curiosity, she hadn't put it on while Jack was out of the room. It was still private, even if she was dying to know what it was.

"It was a message," Jack's voice was still listless and he was staring at the TV again, like he was trying to picture that last, almost comic image of Ianto leaning into the screen.

"What about?"

"Uh," Jack genuinely didn't seem to know. Gwen understood, he'd been so wrapped up in Ianto's voice that he'd not picked up on the words.

"Do you want to put it on again? Me and Rhys could," she got up to leave Jack in peace again as Jack moved to pick up the remote.

"No," the man's free hand went onto her arm. "Stay." Gwen put her arms back around Jack's broad shoulders and held him tight as Ianto began talking again. He was frozen in time, saying the only words he could ever say and both she and Jack were hanging off them, tears streaming unchecked down both of their faces. Gwen couldn't help but smile at the final rant. It felt unnatural to do it, but it was just pure Ianto Jones, and although it was completely unintentional the message had managed to capture both Ianto Jones the lover, and Ianto Jones the long-suffering, put upon coffee boy who couldn't ever find a moment's rest.

"What had you forgotten?" she asked, snuffling a little bit and cuddling into Jack's shoulder.

"Hm?" Jack had been lost in his own thoughts again and came out of them a little to look at her.

"What had you gone back to him for? A big kiss?" Jack's face fell into a deep frown, and Gwen cowered back for a second, panicking that she had annoyed him.

"I don't think I did go back," he said after a moment or so. His words made Gwen blink stupidly.

"What?" Jack pointed to the screen. The date was showing in the bottom right. Ianto had filmed his final message about four months ago. "Yeah, that was the weekend I got to be boss again, only to find out that Ianto had taken the day off so I went home and did bad things to Rhys."

"I didn't come back that weekend. I was too busy with a stray Hoix that had taken a very big liking to all the horses in Horseguards Parade. There apparently wasn't enough of the horses left to ride and it was getting annoying." Gwen looked stupid. That just didn't make sense. Ianto Jones had left them with one final mystery.


End file.
